Right now I'm kind of feeling like those people in those teen angst movies where they're so zombie-ish and there's a scene where they're sitting in a place that stands still while the world whirls by around them. I think I need to work. It's Victoria Day and that's inconsequential to me because every day might as well be a holiday Monday, only changed by the people who come in an out of the house during the day.

Looking back on the last entry, I've accidentally abandoned my summer projects as of late. I haven't even been READING!! Which is weird, but I will get BACK on the wagon now. I need to clean my room FIRST (and read) and I have to get back in the doing-homework-well state of mind.

I'm really not down, though, I'm perfectly happy. That's probably even why I haven't been doing anything. I'm complacent and every day goes by without hiccup (as far as my perception goes) and so I just sit here and stare out the window happy as a cow unconcerned by the pull of my summer projects. I'll work on that I guess.

Things to Remember to Care About:
~ The paper I have due on Thursday
~ The TWO papers I have due the DAY AFTER I come home from China
~ Cleaning the crap out of my room!!!
~ Grad schools :D

So I'm excited thinking about all the things I'd like to do this summer. Nothing is especially ambitious or ground-breaking, I just like lists and plans and goals, so here goes.

To Do This Summer
1. Play Sim Cities(Not a goal or a plan even, I just have an inexplicable urge to play it like crazy right now, as impeded by my statement of interest :S)
2. Scrapbook my year: my staff, my students, special events, EVERYTHING.
3. Learn how to use my sewing machine and make something functional. ANYTHING functional.
4. Clear out my room of all the crap that was dumped there while I was gone. Have a liveable space!
5. Read 10 books at least! Currently I'm reading Infidel and it's really interesting. Read more good, important books like this.
6. Be active every day startiiiiiiiiiing now.
7. Own my Spring Course! I know I can so it's time to start owning courses again!!! I've totally fallen off the track!

So that's it I guess! We'll see how it goes :).

5 Days ago, I was normal.

I think this is a fair proclamation: normal is something made up by others and so I was normal because there was no one to decide otherwise. Just myself. And 5 days ago this didn't define me. It didn't upset others, it didn't cause me to have to be loopy with poor perception and focus and fine motor skills, it didn't prevent me from driving, it didn't bring a different perceived meaning to everything I do, it didn't interfere with school work, it didn't dictate my schedule, it didn't put my job at risk, it wasn't all I talked about, it didn't force me to say difficult and embarrassing things, it didn't make me a shitty Don, it didn't make others think I was fragile, it didn't make people feel guilty or scared, and it didn't change the way everyone looked at me. And now (the obvious point) it has.

And so right now, I think, I'm mourning the loss of what my whole life was a few days ago. This will probably show to be a positive change in the long run, but I think I still deserve to mourn it for a bit. I just wish there was no school to interfere. Or, more so, it wasn't interfering with my school work.

I don't know, more later maybe.

The absolute, WORST possible scenario happened tonight. WORST.

That's all.

( Books, Books, Books )

I'm really on the edge of fed-up-ness. We'll see.

My foundation is shaky, but I'm trying.

So I've felt very relieved and unburdened lately, which is really refreshing.

For once this year (2009), I'm feeling an extended period of happiness and peacefulness. So far I've felt almost constantly miserable, except for random blasts of elatedness after being with my students :). I've tried so hard, too, not to feel so miserable but really that just resulted in trying to constantly choose my attitude but also pushing down my misery and eventually making it way worse and just keeping it a private thing that I turned into hating on myself. I'm going to try to make sure it stays, too, regardless of other people. BUT I have to make sure it doesn't implode if I start feeling like shit again. I just have to figure out how to attack it properly, and I'm working on that.

I'm really really glad I'm getting back into normal-person mode, because now I can be productive, whereas so far this semester I couldn't bring myself to even open a book - all I did was Don stuff because IT made me exceptionally happy.

Speaking of, I also just want to take a moment to reflect on how exceptionally in love I am with being a Don of an AREA!!! Ahhhhh!!!!!!!!!! I love my students and they COME to my house meetings and the events I have to drag them to and participate in my programs!!!! And they TALK to me about their conflicts and stuff and it's just SO FREAKING AWESOME I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE IT. But really. Even if my students weren't so responsive, I LOVE the secret nuances of being a regular Don, of which I had no freaking idea. Like the absolutely FANTASTICness that is programming :D:D, and ACTUALLY using active listening skills and making sure everyone's following the rules. In a NICE, NON-ROUNDS, FRIEND kind of way. I looooooooove it.

I love it.

And now maybe I can feel it always, instead of just being numb until I'm actually around them :).

There is a WHOLE other component to this Don job that I have never been experiencing and it is so extremely fantastic that I seriously have just been walking around dying from excitement, seemingly unprovoked. I can't even believe that I never knew how absolutely energizing and brilliant it feels to have students and be around them and listen to them and all that. In fact, I kind of thought that would be the chore part of it all to be honest.

But oh my God I love being a Don of an actual area.

Even just putting a piece of paper on my door feels rewarding because now, FINALLY, I hear reaction and see impact. Like ACTUALLY. And it is such an amazing feeling. Like before, almost all of my love for my job was love for the actual staff component, but holy jeez this has totally collided into me and I can't believe what I have been missing.

It's the bottom line inspiration to absolutely choose my attitude this semester and not waste a single effing moment of it.

:D

So there's this whole business about resolutions, eh? Here goes:

1. Put energy into healthy friendships.

I find that this kind of stress has made me want to retreat. Like lately I can only picture myself next year living on my own avoiding people. Which is lame because I've made huge progress away from being that person. BUT I think that if I, this year, stop and notice the little things instead of being blinded then I'll probably be happier and less anxious, and remember that I COULD be happier NOT isolated. Anyway, whatever, tis the plan and I deserve it. Maybe.


2. Bring a lot of my focus back to school.

I'm pretty disappointed in myself overall bc of how easily my good (like I mean GOOD) grades slipped from my grasp. It's pretty funny to me to think back to the beginning of being on staff and how I was reluctant to come out of my room away from my stats hw to hang out with vwest and even when I did I brought the hw with me. Now hw is the last ditch effort it was in high school and that's pretty sad. It's showing, too, which is even sadder. So I need to get back there. I remember having a lot more pride in myself too when I focused on school and being organized, I knew that I was doing well and that I was a ... worthful person.

I guess that's it for now... despite all that elaboration I'm not hugely into that kind of stuff because in all honestly I don't have a lot of optimism for 2009, which is too bad. I did for a bit, and I'm not sure where it went. Hopefully it'll come back.

So as soon as I put down my distracting Harvest Moon and programming for a bit, and ventured into the outdoors for a haircut, I got all negative again. While cutting off a good chunk of my hair was supposed to be step one in embracing this section of my life that is likely to be completely different, really the tediousness and stressfulness involved in staring at myself in a mirror for three hours while someone comes and goes doing my hair only makes room for too much thinking and a quick shift to negativity. Blah.

Anyway, just wanted to jot that down - don't really want to go into any detail. It's just Christmas and I wish it weren't there, ya know?